Thank you for your presence. I share this part of my past, my growth, and my human experience with you in hopes that these memories I am about to re-live and the emotions I am about to expose, will be as helpful to you as it has been liberating for me. For I now recognize the value of darkness, the significance of pain, and the resilience of a broken heart.
I fought -very long- to get here. To know peace. To know myself. After a long journey through the road less traveled, I am now able to smile past the scars and critically reflect on what once was the most blissful part of my human experience.
He was my Marine in shining armor. I was his ride or die. We were #relationshipgoals. And now, looking back, he will always be the best thing that ever happened for me.
I don’t know why I waited so long to do this – 4 years and 7 months to be exact. Those who know my story are probably wondering the same. I suppose I thought I had exhausted all the learning this experience could possibly force out of me. Maybe I just wanted to leave the pain – the trauma, the anxiety attacks, the depression, the IBS, the suicidal thoughts – in the past. Or, more appropriately, maybe I was afraid of sharing my truth with the world; of crossing the line of vulnerability I have tried to keep private.
Whatever the reason, you and I are both here now. So let’s begin.
Lesson 1: I am the love I had been searching for, in other people.
If we’re not careful, we will – subconsciously or not – search in the wrong places, for something that can never be found…in another human being. And even if we find that person, we may invest so much of ourselves in ensuring their happiness, that we fail to assess our own. We will lose ourselves in the pursuit of giving all we have to people who don’t value us at all.
For over two decades, I sought love and acceptance from relationships in order to fill a void I never confronted; a void that only my father could – but never did – fill. My father is a great man and an amazing provider. But he, like everyone, has his own internal struggles he has not healed. Therefore, he could only love to the extent that he received love and knew it for himself.
Growing up and not having my father be my first true love was extremely damaging to my sense of self and sense of worth. It (falsely) took that power from me and placed it in the hands of other people. Hence, why some of us believe we have to search for love in others to feel complete or validated. But, Kings and Queens, you cannot love another if you do not love yourself first. You are already whole. You are already complete. You ARE love.
Lesson 2: I attract what I believe.
I am a firm believer in the law of attraction. You don’t have to be a believer of any particular faith to believe that what we put out into the Universe, we always get back. That is all you and I are – energy. Our thoughts – energy. Our speech – energy. That is why it is so important that we train our minds to believe and think the right thoughts.
For much of my life, I believed I was not good enough, that I was hard to love, that I was unworthy. And the Universe responded accordingly. Time and time again, I attracted men who were emotionally unavailable, who believed I was asking for way too much, men that spoke down to me, who neglected me, and cheated on me.
The problem isn’t always the man you’re attracting. The problem may be the limiting and FALSE beliefs you have held about yourself. You won’t “cure” this over night. But the first step towards your growth is recognizing where in your life you may be your own poison.
Lesson 3: Soulmates do not exist.
Before the hopeless romantics get offended, hear me out. Many people come and go throughout our lives. Some stay for a period of time while others stay indefinitely. This is not to say that you don’t have a soulmate just because he or she left. Nor does that mean you have a soulmate just because they stayed. It is all a matter of intention. Your “perfect” someone is not a fixed concept; it is relative to whoever you decide is worth building with and fighting for. Hence, intentions. There may be multiple persons you decide to do this with.
If we can get away from the thought that we have to find the one or that the one got away, we can actually begin to realize that every person we decide to share a piece of our existence with is a soul – mate. A soul – mate does not have to be your “forever.” I know, that’s not what you were hoping to read. But it’s the truth.
Maybe that person was only meant to serve a certain purpose. This person is still a soul – mate for whatever that purpose or phase of your life that was. After my break up, I lost all hope of ever finding someone better. That was the best it was gonna get I told myself. But in fact, I’ve encountered many soul-mates afterwards who were only around for a season. And I have no regrets at all because they taught me the lessons I needed to learn. They served their soul‘s purpose. Viewing relationships in this way allows us to understand that there is always light at the end of the tunnel; that our heartbreaks do not limit our potential for love.
Your story does not end just because a chapter has run out of words. You get to rewrite the script on the next page.
Lesson 4: Love is not possessive.
If you pay attention to break ups long enough you will observe the key possessive behavior that hurt people always resort to:
- I can’t believe he left me.
- She STOLE my man.
- We’ve been together for ___ years.
- I did everything for him.
- I was there for him when no one else cared
(Confession, this was me)
Are you done relating yet? Because it’s time to burst some bubbles. No one belongs to you. And you belong to no one. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, how much you’ve done for the person, they don’t owe you shit. Period.
Love is not love if there are conditions to the things you do for the person you care about. You were there for them because you loved them. Nothing more, nothing less. You don’t gain a possessory right just because you did what people who love do.
Love is an exchange of energy, of ideas, of lessons. It is water nurturing our growth. And once the purpose for either person has been served, people are free to exit and continue forward on their journey. The sooner we realize this, the less we play victim to our circumstances.
Lesson 5: I am more than enough.
He betrayed me. With someone I knew. Someone he introduced me to. Someone he jokingly said I never had to think twice about. But, after him coming back apologizing time after time – and me allowing it – and then going right back to her the next day, it caused me to wonder…What was wrong with me?
- Why wasn’t I enough?
- What did she have that I didn’t?
- Was I not skinny enough?
- Was I not pretty enough?
- Was I not rich enough?
- Where was I lacking?
Kings and Queens, you are more than enough. You are abundance in human form and you lack nothing.
What you want exists. And you are deserving of it. All of it. Whatever life moment or person told you were were unworthy of love or that you were less than, is speaking from their own institution of insecurity. It has nothing to do with you.
The Universe created you with purpose. You are a perfect creation. Don’t you ever allow someone else’s inability to see your worth to determine how you see yourself.
Dry your tears, re-adjust your crown, and embrace the royalty within. You are pure magic. You are the shit for goodness sakes.
Lesson 6: I asked for this.
What if I told you that, at your soul level, you asked to be hurt, to be betrayed, to be abandoned. Feeling triggered? Yes, this is a difficult pill to swallow.
I recently read the book, Radical Forgiveness, a few months ago and it completely changed my perspective on the experience that happened for me. (Notice, I didn’t say “the experience that happened to me.”)
Radical forgiveness is the concept that we are not victims of our circumstances and thus there is nothing for the other person to apologize for. It is the radical understanding that, at our soul level, the other person’s soul loved us so much that they were willing to hurt us, on the human level, in order for us to revisit and heal suppressed patterns and pain.
At first, I thought it was complete blasphemy to tell me that I had somehow asked to be betrayed, to be cheated on repeatedly, for him to marry the very person he left me for, to start a family with her (the family I always wanted), and then for me to have to deal with consequences of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts all by myself.
But I would be lying if it did not force me to confront insecurities and fears I never healed. Through pain, I found myself again and fell back in love with the little girl that just wanted to be loved and accepted by her father.
Today, I know true peace. I know the extent of my Creator’s love; I workout everyday and am in the best shape of my life; I have healed every health issue I struggled with while I was with him; I make time for myself; I make no excuses for what I want and what I deserve. If it does not serve me, it does not get entertained. Period.
I am truly so grateful for my new life.
This is not the story about how a man broke my heart. This is the story about how I picked myself back up and rediscovered who the fuck I am.